It was a dark rainy night. As the rain pelleted against my window pane, I thought, "why does that rain have to be so loud?" "And why can't I get to sleep?" I look at the clock. It's midnight or thereabouts. I need to get up at 6:30Am. Focus!! So I tried to clear my mind of the thousands of things whirling through it like a swarm of bees. The swarm would concentrate in one area and move to the next, with no regard to my brain and that it hadn't processed what I was trying to think about. Back and forth, up and down, thinking about things. Things I asked myself, "why is this bothering you?". I finally decide that it's time for me to give these situations to God, because once I surrender, I'm sure he'll lead the way for me. Help me make the right choices. Guide me to help me say the right things. And you know what....it worked. I really dreaded today, I wonder what they'll say? I wonder what will happen? Instead of the negative scenarios ripping through my mind that I conjured up, the exact opposite occurred. There's a small part of me that wonders, "is this for real?" "Are they just acting nice?" I guess only time will tell, although my feelings have been hurt, I'm not sure what to think, what to do or how to act. Frankly, I'm at the point where I've almost turned off my caring receptors. When that happens, it's hard for me to turn it back on. It is a defense mechanism and I use it daily at work doing the job I do. I simply switch my caring to the off position. Girls and boys, this is not a good thing for me to do in my personal life! I am a caring person. I care what people think about me (yeah yeah, I know I shouldn't but it's the truth), I care what happens to my friends and most certainly, I wouldn't want to hurt them. But they hurt me. Deeply. It is not fair! I don't anticipate an "I'm sorry". Have I forgiven them? Of course, that is my style. I have not forgotten. This too shall pass. But I wonder whether the friends who hurt me will weather this storm. Or if we will be ships passing in the night, not to see each other again. Because right now, that's how I feel it will be.
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Howdy girl friend. I am sorry you are dealing with such deep thoughts. But that is how we grow deeper in love with Jesus. When we can remember that He loved us enough to suffer death and forgives us for the evil we do then it is helpful to think of others sin against us as forgivable. You don't have to turn off, you may just need to switch to a new station. Click on the Jesus channel and see people and situations through His lens for a bit. tmp
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